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[11 May 2005|01:59pm] |
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Oh yeah, i forgot to mention, i made it to vietnam after. and it was so shit.
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| In dreams. |
[08 Jun 2002|11:14am] |
I had the most amazing dream last night. The entire dream took the form of a cartoon. Not a Looney Tunes style, but an expertly drawn manga style cartoon. It reminded me of that ancient cartoon Lost Cities of Gold (anyone remember that one:) A slightly aztec or south american look to it.
It started off with a birds eye shot of a field of yellowed sunbleached grass, and in the grass was a the shape of a man, burned into it. Burned through to the soil. A narrators voice, a womans, came in, and said "Sometimes all sins must be punished". The scene then cut back to the incident that had resulted in this burnt image - A peasant farmer is walking through his field, when he comes across a beautifully embroidered shirt left there by the devil (who never appeared in the actual dream) to tempt him. The farmer sees the shirt and puts it on, and immediately starts to burn, not with flames but with energy, or power. This power quickly consumes him, leaving only his scorched sillouette on the grass. Actually, it looks like grass has never grown there and never will again.
That was like the introduction to the "movie" (dream). The scene then cuts to a young boy, the farmers son, waking up and stepping outside of his cottage into the sun. it is the morning and he has a cup of tea in his hand. To his left, the fields roll away down into a beautiful sunny valley, with a river or stream at its centre, to his right the fields stop abruptly at a woods or forest. He squints up at the sun and drinks his coffee. Suddenly, he drops his mug. Up in the sky he spies an eagle carrying away a baby lamb. He sees the lamb squirm free and the eagle drops it. He runs to be underneath the lamb, to catch it before it hits the ground. Just as the lamb is about to land in his arms, his arms go limp, stunned. He looks down at his feet, and realises he is standing in the burned out sillouette of his father. The camera moves to a shot of his feet, standing in the soil. The lamb lands dead at his feet in the scorched ground. The Camera ( sometimes my dreams take the form of movies) moves to a birds eye shot of the young man. The camera is very high up, you can see the surrounding fields, all of them have bare patches in the grass, the shapes of people and animals....
Then i woke up.
i had to write this down quickly before i forgot it. I havent dreamed like that in a long time. I havent ever had a dream that was a cartoon i think. The colour palette was amazing, all yellows and greens, and the bluest sky ever. when the young man saw teh eagle, the camera was from his point of view, his eyes, and the sight of teh eagle, complete with the glare from the sun, those little circles of light that you see when you look indirectly at the sun... beautiful.
Anywho, I just thought id share it with everyone.
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[01 Jun 2002|03:36am] |
Exams finished. college term over. normal service resumed.... or is it? i wont lie to you, it has been an incredibly difficult 6 months. Not just in terms of essays and assignments, but also in terms of personal life. They have been the some of the hardest times i have been through.
let me start tonights story at its beginning...
I was supposed to be going to amsterdam tonight, but instead there was pilots strike so my flight was cancelled and my money refunded. I rang my friend Daniel, he broke up with his gf last week and he's feeling pretty low, so i figured i'd call him and organise so kind of night out to help him get over it, and remind him that he's always got friends here at home if he needs them.
So anyways,.. three of use booked a table at an italian restuarant here in Ross. The last time we had eaten at this place was last xmas, which was i think, the xmas any of use ever had. When we sitting down to pasta and italian beer, the first question Dan asked was "So, six months eh? how have the last six months been for you two?" i replied that they had been the worst six months ever, well, not the worst but very tough at the least :)
I spoke about how i had been under enormous pressure with assignments, had felt incredibly lonely during the last six months, had quit smoking once and for all, and generally spoke about all the shit that had been going on with me for the past while. I had my tarot read at xmas and the basic message was that i was facing a period of stress and strain and that i ahd a lot of work to do, and that there might be a high physical and mental price to pay for completing this work, and of course it all came through.
One thing i have developed over the last few months, and this is osmething i didnt have before, is a love of arts. I have read voraciuosly over the last 6 months, have developed interests in photography and poetry and architecture, a desire to be myself, to pursue my passions, to self express. These desires were always within me i suppose, they are within everyone, but lately they have come to the fore.
We talked about how much we knew ourselves, i said i always felt i knew myself, but lately ive come to find that there is more to me than i first thought.
Is normal service resumed now that the period of stress and strain is over? no. i find i have come through the storm a changed person. more spiritual, quicker to laugh, more honest, more myself.
Is the storm over? i guess the storm is never over, hopefully there will always be storms to challenge us to force us to grow. hopefully we will always find that there is more to use than we first expected. Oh... let us never be complete.
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[13 May 2002|08:45pm] |
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music |
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phillip glass - Metamorphosis two |
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"Sometimes I think the people to feel the saddest for are people who are unable to connect with the profound -- people such as my boring brother-in-law, a hearty type so concerned with normality and fitting in that he eliminates any possibility of uniqueness for himself and his own personality. I wonder if some day, when he is older, he will wake up and the deeper part of him will realize that he has never allowed himself to truly exist, and he will cry with regret and shame and grief.
And then sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder -- people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world -- or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness."
- Douglas Coupland, Life After God.
"I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving ... to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love." What might have happened if Mr. Coupland had begun here and helped us keep in balance this life-loathing shadow that haunts not only his generation but us all?
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[13 Apr 2002|12:28am] |
"Only after disaster can we be resurrected.
It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything.
Nothing is static, everything is evolving... everything is falling apart.
You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.
You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
We are all part of the same compost heap.
We are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world.
You are not your bank account,
you are not the clothes you wear,
you are not the contents of your wallet,
you are not your bowel cancer,
you are not your grande latte,
you are not the car you drive,
you are not your fu?king khakis.
You have to give up, you have to realize that someday you will die.
Until you know that, you are useless.
I say, let me never be complete.
I say, let me never be content.
I say, deliver me from Swedish furniture.
I say, deliver me from clever art.
I say, deliver me from clear skin and perfect teeth.
I say, you have to give up.
I say, evolve and let the chips fall where they may
This is your life, good to the last drop.
This is your life, it doesnt get any better than this.
This is your life, and its ending one minute at a time..."
- Chuck Palahniuk
i love chuck palahniuk, hes my personal jesus.
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| drifting lost disconnected and alone. |
[12 Apr 2002|11:55pm] |
Being flexible is fine, it's maybe the greatest talent you can have, but in order to define yourself, you need to pursue your passion.
Under and behind and inside everything i took for granted, something horrible has been growing.
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| Broken |
[12 Apr 2002|09:42pm] |
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I feel so fucking terrible right now. I've been feeling like this for a while now. last night was just terrible. the feeling of emptiness and darkness inside me is getting blacker and growing. I hate it. I hate this feeling. The worst thing is i can smile and pretend that everything is alright around my friends. but its not. its really really not.
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| Desiderata |
[07 Apr 2002|11:26pm] |
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Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantement, it is as perrenial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
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[07 Apr 2002|04:10am] |
Not much to say tonight. Words would only fail me.
Getting ready to face into another week. another essay to do.
Have decided that I will apply for medicine for definate. woke up this morning and decided it. Couldnt face waking up every morning for the rest of my life and regretting not applying for it. whether i get it or not is another thing....
Take care.
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| I want to live in a free world |
[06 Apr 2002|01:06pm] |
Peace is not a thing of weakness.
It calls for heroism and action.
Day by day you must wrest it from the mouths of liars.
You must stand alone against the multitude, for clamor is always on
the side of the many.
And the liar has ever the first word.
The meek must be strong.
Just some words if found written by the Viennese poet Stefan Zweig. With everybody clamouring for war in Iraq and Afganistan, i think they have special significance.
By the way, incase anyones interested, Independent Media Centre are launching their irish site today.
http://www.indymedia.org/
http://www.indymedia.ie/
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[05 Apr 2002|01:46am] |
Urrghh i feel like shit right now. maybe its all the linden i drank last night, maybe it the sack full of soot i inhaled from the chimney fire, maybe its the queen song ive been singing ALL DAY LONG....
whatever is causing this, i wish it would go away because i really feel like puking my ring all over this laptop.
Apart from now, my day has been just about perfect. well, ok, it was fairly good. stayed in bed all day, didnt go to college, read my book, listened to music, drank loads of tea, and generally arsed about the place in a non-shit giving humour. It was great. Just what i needed really.
I'll probably find out for definate tomorrow if i'll be going to Toronto in the summer. Jesus i really hope that i am. I could do with it. 8 months in kilkenny will kill me. I'll go insane. Go mad. Quite, quite mad. indeed.
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| Spiral out, keep going.... |
[03 Apr 2002|02:35am] |
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music |
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will oldham - just to see you smile |
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Mental block. my brain is completely frazzled from that fucking essay. but.... ah... enough. wont mention it anymore. theres nothin more i can do about it til tomorrow.
Im gonna miss havin this time off. Im back to college in the morning, which means no more staying up all night, no more staying in bed til the afternoon. When i say it like that it doesnt sound like college at all. hmmm.... welcome to nursing.
Fuck it, i cant think of anything to say here. Im going to post some more Tool lyrics: just to remind us that there is more to this life than the daily humdrum grind.....
Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.
Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.
As below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.
Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.
I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.
With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going, going...
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[01 Apr 2002|02:35am] |
We barely remember who or what came before this precious moment,
We are Choosing to be here right now. Hold on, stay inside...
This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.
Alive
This holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body. This body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...
Of what it means to be alive
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
chance to be alive and breathing
chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion.
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[31 Mar 2002|03:42am] |
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Short entry this: ive been planning to list the good and bad things ive done this week, but now, sitting down to write it, i realise ive done a lot of good things this week. damnit im a good person and i do a lot of good things every week. course i do a lot of bad things too, but hey whatcha gonna do.....
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| I know the pieces fit, because I watched them fall away. |
[29 Mar 2002|01:29am] |
So. Waterford. my own little flat. my own space.
I suppose its important to find your own place in the world. A sense of identity. It can be very hard to live on your own, and i dont mean cooking or washing or general looking after yourself, that shit comes easly enough. The difficulty comes not in living on your own, but living with yourself. being happy with your own company. not going nuts, staying in bed all day, buying loads of porno or whatever.
Its something you have to be proactive about i suppose. Im lucky i guess, im really busy with college, and i live just outside of the city centre, so if i want to get anything i have to take a bit of a walk. keeps me occupied.
One thing i notice, or feel, really strongly, is that im kinda rediscovering my sense of identity. that might sound like a load of hippy crap, but really i am. and its a good thing. and about time. i used to have loads of piercings and such, wore black all the time. but gradually, over time, i took out the piercings, shopped in topshop, bought aftershave etc.... but all along i just felt like i was becoming a nobody, a clone or something, i mean, the latest fashions and all that; that was never me.... you know.... but it just kinda happened .... i kinda put it down to being so unsettled for the past few years, you know, being in england for 2 years, workin for a year, feckin about in kilkenny, hospitals, nurses, lecturers, new friends, old friends, poverty, uurghh.....
Anyways, what i mean is that now that i have a place to settle down in for a while, i plan on taking a long hard look at myself, doing all the things i used to do. dont think ill go back to the all black look tho... but fuck shopping in topman ever again. with its false bohemian yet filthy rich and covered in hugo boss stylings. i mean, i used to wear natty tshirts and flares for years, but now every gimp with a fucking haircut is wearin em (I pray for the day when the strokes are exposed for what they really are:) ... gah... maybe im just angry at myself for letting things go this far... . for compromissing.... fuck retro anything....
Ultimately, i think its about time i got back to who i am. who i really am. i hope i can do that over the next few months.
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| Into the void |
[17 Mar 2002|02:51pm] |
I think the perfect job for me would be a spy or an assassin. a hitman or something. the kind of job where i never sit still, work alone, never get close to anyone, never have to stop. why? because that way i could always keep running. always keep moving. Im feeling fucking terrible lately, and i dont know how to stop it, how to stop feeling like this. its not really any circumstance in my life thats making me feel this way i suppose, its not like i failed exams or have no friends, im really happy with my life, really. and im not affraid of my life turning out wrong, like i was trying to explain in an earlier entry in this journal, becuase i think ive always made good choices with my life, brave choices. no, instead it feels like the link (if one ever existed) between having a happy life and being happy has been broken. my life gives me no joy like it used to.
Its Paddys Day today, but im not going drinking. ill go out for a few lucozades alter, but ive stopped drinking lately because it just makes me feel worse.
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[12 Mar 2002|02:21am] |
Im bored. spent all day puting a fence up in the garden, i shoudve really gone to college and worked on my essay, but you know how it is. i stayed in bed and kept thinking to myself, ill get up in time for the next bus, ill get up in time for the next bus. until it was half 2 and there was no more next bus. ho hum. such is life. i dont really care it was nice to have the day off. our fence turned out pretty ok too....
in other news... uhmm... let me think... well i suppose im feeling a lot better lately. not 100% or anything, but feelin brighter i suppose. i can put it down to a Tool cd, music can soothe you. it was music i needed to hear. sometimes really good music can take you away from your current problems, and lying in bed in the pitch dark in a bnb in kilkenny, i could feel my pain and my troubles fading away, draining out of me. Music centres me, cuts out all the crap and bullshit, the worry and self-doubt, the concern, makes me feel positive, that i can live a life less ordinary.
You see, thats my biggest fear, ever. living a boring life, an unsatisfying life, regretting something. anything. waking up in front of the telly someday with a wife 2 kids and a mortgage. well, the wife and kids i could manage someday i suppose, but you know what i mean....
ulitimately, what i mean is, im affraid of waking up someday and realising that ive compromised my dreams for something. that because of fear or laziness or whatever stupid reason, my dreams have passed me by. thats why whenever an opportunity arises i never turn it down. like when i did my leaving cert and got offered a place in uni in england, i thought to myself that i want to do the utmost with my life, i want to always do the biggest or most adventurous thing i can. so i accepted the offer, got on a plane and made my way there. i was 18. it was damn scary, and i remember getting of the train in plymouth, standing in the rain on the platform with my bags around my feet, chewing on the drawstring of my trusty hoody, wondering where on earth my house was. but it was brilliantly exciting too. i hope i can always make decisions like that.
most of my friends are studying computers or such like, and i feel like shouting at them "how can you do something like computers, sitting in an office looking at a screen for the rest of your life???" but i know what their answer would be. "because we'll be getting rich" (which i suppose is not the worst reason in the world to do someting, or else theyll say "what else is there to do, you have to work at something.." (which is i think the worst reason in the world to do something). ah i dunno, i could go on and on about this, but im not really getting anywhere.... if youve ever read girlfriend in a coma youll know what im on about.
and now im tired....
goodnight. take care.
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[25 Feb 2002|01:28am] |
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Dunno whats up with me these last few weeks, feelin very down. feeling depressed actually. can feel myself bieng dragged under. I feel it in my shoulders like a weight pressing me down and boring into me. it just makes me want to stop talking altogether. I first noticed it last sunday when we were driving up to kilkenny. i felt like there was nothing left to say... i cant really describe it.... i feel like curling up and retreating into my shell.... all cliches i know but its how i feel..... and worst of all, i cant see how things are going to change.
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[03 Feb 2002|03:15am] |
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i wish i could grab someones soul like in the picture.
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[03 Feb 2002|03:11am] |
i feel like, i dunno, just staying in waterford. i wish that was my life. i wish i was mike from somewhere else. i wish i was important to someone. i wish someone was important to me. i wish i wasnt this. i wish this wasnt me. sometimes i too feel like reaching for a razor blade, but if i do then what hope is left for the rest of us?.
Someone once asked me "are you ok?" i thought it was the most sincere, the most honest question id ever been asked.
people who ask questions like that are beautiful, and deserve all that life has to give them.
we all feel sad.
i feel so alone, like this is all i have to give....
id say heaven help me if i belived in it....
this is my life, this is my life......
and i see a darkness
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